Short Story Long

Randonesia: Be carefully.

Wed, 15 May 2013 12:12:31 -0400

When I was a little boy, just learning to talk and still figuring out the intricacies of the English language, I would caution others to “be carefully”. Little kids say the funniest things, and they say these things with the sincerity and urgency of those whose possess an extremely limited…

Taking dbag self-portraits in oversized mirrors since when...

Sun, 05 May 2013 20:12:19 -0400

Taking dbag self-portraits in oversized mirrors since when country wasn’t cool.

.@chefspike is always so nice. Good guy. #whcd #topchef

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 12:19:29 -0400

.@chefspike is always so nice. Good guy. #whcd #topchef

Steven Spielberg, nbd. One of those men tackled-hugged him,...

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 19:14:29 -0400

Steven Spielberg, nbd. One of those men tackled-hugged him, I’m not even kidding. I hope he knew him. #whcd

Me and Rebel Wilson, y’all. I couldn’t help it. I...

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 18:42:29 -0400

Me and Rebel Wilson, y’all. I couldn’t help it. I told her @blogher readers would surely be friends of hers. She was so very nice and gracious.

Deadlines make me so crazy.

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 05:16:16 -0400

Deadlines make me so crazy.

My mom’s tree is overlord of the neighborhood. It totally...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 18:30:10 -0400

My mom’s tree is overlord of the neighborhood. It totally tried to get in my car.

If you stand in my parents’ yard right now, petals fall on...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 18:24:55 -0400

If you stand in my parents’ yard right now, petals fall on your toes and you’re all I AM A PETAL-TOED SPRING PRINCESS, BITCHES. You shouldn’t do that though, maybe, because the neighbors get riled, I understand.

I just rocked down here, basically. (Oh SHUT UP like you...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:34:46 -0400

I just rocked down here, basically. (Oh SHUT UP like you wouldn’t.) I love today.

thugkitchen: Food is good and all that but YOU REALLY FUCKING...

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 01:18:33 -0400

thugkitchen:

Food is good and all that but YOU REALLY FUCKING NEED WATER. I always drink one glass of water before each meal and another glass right after. Shit, that’s almost all the water you need in a day.

Feeling tired? Got a headache? Nauseous? Fuck those Rx commercials with their crazy ass side effects, drinking more water is the cheapest way to feel better. I drink mine straight but if you’re fancy as fuck then toss in some lemon, mint leaves, lime, cucumber, lemongrass. I don’t give a good goddamn, JUST DRINK IT.

But automotive destruction of the planet can be so pretty.

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 11:39:44 -0400

But automotive destruction of the planet can be so pretty.

humansofnewyork: After I took her photo, she stuck her cheek...

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 20:07:53 -0400

humansofnewyork:

After I took her photo, she stuck her cheek out for a kiss. After I gave her one, she said: “Isn’t love great?”
“Yes it is,” I replied. Then she leaned in and said:
“But sex is better.”

You can lose yourself in places. (Also, score. I hope I’m...

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 16:42:39 -0400

You can lose yourself in places. (Also, score. I hope I’m dead if the used stores ever go away.)

Practice intention tonight is solely that all of us who got good...

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 17:56:52 -0400

Practice intention tonight is solely that all of us who got good energy and friendship from Dawn over these years can put it back out there. I know I should try harder. We never have as much time as we might think.

Is he/she a mourning dove? I’m not a huge fan of birds,...

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 09:18:08 -0400

Is he/she a mourning dove? I’m not a huge fan of birds, but it sat here for a few minutes and actually peeked inside, which was cool. Maybe I like this kind of bird. (No, they haven’t washed windows yet.)

borntolandhard: #TomWaits

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 23:21:08 -0400

borntolandhard:

#TomWaits

As a person who humbly claims a scant few hot peppers to my...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 19:59:38 -0400

As a person who humbly claims a scant few hot peppers to my credit on ratemyprofessor.com, this is my favorite name yet, I think. (The rewards of the profession are few, clearly.)

Another year of my “it always gets cloudy when Jesus...

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 15:20:46 -0400

Another year of my “it always gets cloudy when Jesus died” conspiracy theory in the books. Genuflect and cross myself twice, maybe, no one can prove it.

huffpostcomedy: Bill Murray on Gilda Radner: “Gilda got...

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 09:17:26 -0400

huffpostcomedy:

Bill Murray on Gilda Radner:

“Gilda got married and went away. None of us saw her anymore. There was one good thing: Laraine had a party one night, a great party at her house. And I ended up being the disk jockey. She just had forty-fives, and not that many, so you really had to work the music end of it. There was a collection of like the funniest people in the world at this party. Somehow Sam Kinison sticks in my brain. The whole Monty Python group was there, most of us from the show, a lot of other funny people, and Gilda. Gilda showed up and she’d already had cancer and gone into remission and then had it again, I guess. Anyway she was slim. We hadn’t seen her in a long time. And she started doing, “I’ve got to go,” and she was just going to leave, and I was like, “Going to leave?” It felt like she was going to really leave forever.

So we started carrying her around, in a way that we could only do with her. We carried her up and down the stairs, around the house, repeatedly, for a long time, until I was exhausted. Then Danny did it for a while. Then I did it again. We just kept carrying her; we did it in teams. We kept carrying her around, but like upside down, every which way—over your shoulder and under your arm, carrying her like luggage. And that went on for more than an hour—maybe an hour and a half—just carrying her around and saying, “She’s leaving! This could be it! Now come on, this could be the last time we see her. Gilda’s leaving, and remember that she was very sick—hello?”

We worked all aspects of it, but it started with just, “She’s leaving, I don’t know if you’ve said good-bye to her.” And we said good-bye to the same people ten, twenty times, you know.

And because these people were really funny, every person we’d drag her up to would just do like five minutes on her, with Gilda upside down in this sort of tortured position, which she absolutely loved. She was laughing so hard we could have lost her right then and there.

It was just one of the best parties I’ve ever been to in my life. I’ll always remember it. It was the last time I saw her.”

- from Live from New York: an Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live

[via oldloves]

Listening to how I have to fix my life (swear to god I’m...

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 04:36:46 -0400

Listening to how I have to fix my life (swear to god I’m listening) at 4:30 a.m. It’s fine. Wildly nostalgic.